


Guilty Bliss

by kaffeogte



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Character Death, Cheating, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug-Induced Sex, Forced Relationship, Gen, Just So Much Happens, M/M, Multi, Other, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Prostitution, Rape, Suicide, mostly short chapters, tagging that just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:40:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4410623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaffeogte/pseuds/kaffeogte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lovino has had a drug problem for years that he's never been able to stop. With his debts getting out of hand, Lovino finds himself in situations that made him wish he had quit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Desperation

“Just give me the coke, and I swear I’ll finish paying my debt by next week,” Lovino hissed, his expecting hand still reached out, waiting for his fix to fall into his palms.

“You said that last week, yet you are no where closer to paying me back. In fact, I might just raise your weekly interest again,” the German threatened, not taking any of Lovino’s offers.

The two were bickering by an alleyway where it must’ve been some time past midnight. The always stern blond was trying to convince the Italian he was getting into some deep financial trouble with him, but no matter what Ludwig told Lovino, the drug addict never paid his debt in full. 

Reduced to his final plea, Lovino begs, “Ludwig, I will do anything.” He really despised using that phrase, it made him feel even dirtier and lower than he already was. “Hell, I’d even fucking prostitute for a gram,” the Italian says, half-jokingly as he tried to keep his cool.

“Is that so?” cooes Ludwig, thinking the possibilities over. “Alright,” the German gives in, “come into my car if you want them so much.” Not caring if the other really did follow or not, Ludwig turns on his heel, walking up the street to his parking spot.

Dumbfounded, the clueless Italian followed, honestly willing to do almost anything if it meant he could get just one measly bag of cocaine. ‘I am disgusting,’ he thought to himself, following the man into the side of the mainly empty van. 

Closing the door, the tinted windows let in just enough street light that Ludwig didn’t need to turn on the vehicle’s ugly yellow lights to see. Sitting on a crate, the German ran a hand through his uniformed hair with a sigh. “Well, there is one thing you can do,” he states, continuing their earlier topic, literally seeing his client’s shaky desperation as Ludwig spoke each word. “Suck,” the blond commands as if he were speaking to a dog, spreading his clothed legs just enough to give Lovino the right hint. 

For a moment, Lovino stood there, debating with himself whether or not this was worth it. Seemingly without telling himself to, the Italian found himself between the other’s legs, pulling out Ludwig’s cock. The German laced a hand through Lovino’s hair, gripping lightly as the younger man slowly engulfed his length…

Leaving the van with his prize and without most of his remaining Euros, Lovino wiped at his mouth, feeling extremely nauseous. Not being able to afford losing the last meal he ate, the Italian stopped inside a minimart's restroom to snort a little dose. Taking a calming breath as the effects settled in, the brunette splashed cold water onto his face. All Lovino could think about was his loyal boyfriend, sleeping peacefully at home; as if secretly doing drugs wasn’t bad enough, now the Italian was cheating just to snatch a few grams and push them both further into debts of all sorts. “How am I going to be able to face Antonio?” he sighs to himself, tucking the little plastic bag into his pocket before heading out of the shop to finally return to his apartment.


	2. He Cares

The drug kept Lovino up well into the morning, which prevented him from sleeping off the horribly persistent guilt. To distract himself, the Italian forced himself to perform all the chores he’s neglected. By the time Antonio was awaking, Lovino had just fallen asleep beside him. 

When his boyfriend seemed to not be budging anytime soon, the Spaniard took the opportunity to try to do something nice for him. Stunned by the pristine home, Antonio now understood why his lover was so exhausted; this did raise some suspicion though. ‘What’s keeping Lovi up?’ he asked himself, knowing that Lovino was never a night owl. Trying to ignore his anxious thoughts, Antonio settled on making the Italian breakfast as a good way to start their weekend.

Awakening to the smell of good food, Lovino sat up in bed; after a quick stretch, he follows the scent into the kitchen where Lovino found Antonio happily cooking while humming a pleasant tune. There was nothing better to wake up to, the sight brought a little smile to the Italian’s face. 

“Hey,” he greets, wrapping his arms around Antonio’s waist from behind.

“Buenas dias, sleepyhead,” the man replies, stirring the vegetables in the pan. His lover’s good mood was reassuring, still he had to ask, “Is everything alright? This is the first time you’ve slept in so late in a while.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lovino assures, releasing the other as the coffeemaker rung that it had finished brewing. “I was just feeling a little restless last night is all,” he adds, pouring them both a mug of coffee.

“Alright...” was all Antonio replied as he reached for two plates to put their meal on. He didn’t want to mention Lovino’s shaky, haggard look he’s been developing lately out of fear of offending his dear lover.

After their breakfast, Antonio leaves for one of his many part-time jobs. It being his day off, Lovino tries to figure out his debt to Ludwig since he had yet another hefty payment due just tomorrow. With a groan, the Italian knows he won’t be able to pay Ludwig enough again. They both knew he wasn’t, and probably never will be, able to fully pay back the German, leaving Lovino anxiously unsure about what to do.

Grabbing his wallet, and taking some cash from Antonio’s own savings, the man heads out to attempt at reaching any sort of compromise that may be better than their current agreement.


	3. A New Deal

“Back so soon?” calls Ludwig upon seeing Lovino, handing off some drug in the alleyway. “I thought you would’ve used today for making up an excuse for why you don’t have my money–again,” he pompously adds.

“Shut up,” hissed Lovino, “I’m making an early payment, but we gotta talk.”

Shrugging, the German extends an expecting hand, “Alright, pay me first.”

Glaring at the other, the Italian plopped the bundle of cash into the man’s hand. “There,” he says, hating having to deal with this person at all when unnecessary. “You know why I came,” Lovino states, hardly able to reduce himself to such a level already. ‘Can’t get any lower than this,’ he thought to himself as Ludwig chuckled, flicking his fingers through the bills.

“You can’t fully pay me, what a surprise,” the German mocks, putting the money in his back pocket. “So what do you plan on doing about it?” he queries, leaning against the cold brick wall.

“I’m willing to slide you some extra cash if you give me some phone numbers…” Lovino requests, folding his arms across his chest. “I think you can tell what type I’m talking about,” he adds, coldly.

“O’course,” the German smiles, “That’ll be an extra 50 euros, y’know.”

“Yeah, I know, I’ll give you the money tomorrow, just give them to me,” Lovino answers angrily as he pulled out his cell phone.

After receiving what he wanted, the Italian muttered, “Thanks, see ya,” before turning to walk away from the other.

“Oh,” he hears the German call, causing Lovino to stop in his tracks to listen. “And, the money isn’t all I’ll be asking for tomorrow,” Ludwig adds to the other’s bill.

His stomach dropping, Lovino felt tremendously sick at the situation he’s gotten himself into. Not offering any sort of reply to his dealer, the Italian continues walking away, running once he felt he was far enough to not be seen by Ludwig.


	4. Mistakes

Lovino paced around his phone for over an hour, fighting with himself on whether or not he should call at least one of the damn numbers. With a frustrated huff, he picked up the phone and made the call… Lovino was to meet with a man—his first client—in an hour.

The Italian felt entirely filthy, he wanted to vomit and this time he did. ‘I can’t do this,’ he thought to himself, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he leant against the wall. Lovino, unfortunately, had to and he will. Soon, the Italian finally forced himself out of the shoddy apartment.

“Just one,” Lovino murmured to himself on his way to the location, ”Just one and I can go home and pretend this never happened.” The man felt so anxious he wanted to cry, he never wanted this, he never wanted anything like this. He knew his addiction was taking over his life, dragging him in all the wrong directions, but as long as Lovino got to return home to Antonio, everything was going to be okay.

Walking up the stairs of an apartment building, that looked way better than the Italian had expected, he forced all of his uncertainty away. ‘For Antonio,’ he thought to himself once more as he knocked on the door.

“Hey,” greeted the older looking man, “Are you..?” He trailed off, looking Lovino up and down.

“Yeah, may I come in?” Lovino felt stiff and uncomfortable. This was definitely not how he would ever want to spend his nights.

His client’s face lit up with an ugly, perverted smile that made the Italian’s stomach twist. “Of course,” he stepped aside to let the other into his home, “Come right on through,’the bathroom is on the left.” Lovino had the feeling that this geezer bought prostitutes rather often. Which made sense since he didn’t see any ring on any of the man’s fingers either. “I’ll be in the bedroom,” he squeezed Lovino’s ass as he passed, causing the Italian to yelp. “And you can call me daddy, doll,” the man whispered huskily into the other’s ear.

Lovino nodded and did everything he could to not just make a beeline out of there. Already shaking, the Italian was grateful the man—‘daddy’— had offered him the bathroom because he felt ready to vomit.

Honestly not knowing what to expect, Lovino thought it best to prepare himself beforehand. He was terrified of the situation he’s gotten himself into, but refused to back out. There was too much at stake if he didn’t get this money to Ludwig. If the German wanted to, he could make Lovino’s life even worse with the snap of his fingers and the Italian really did not want to know what could be much worse than this. With a deep breath, Lovino took out his bag of cocaine and made a single line, trying to preserve what he had in a poor attempt at somewhat weaning himself off of it… He ended up snorting two.

Exiting the bathroom, his clothes in his backpack, the Italian met with his client after a short struggle of finding the bedroom. He felt calm and surprisingly excited as if the drug purposely made him want this instead of loathing everything and wanting to die—it was great.

“Hey, daddy,” he greeted in an overly erotic voice as he kneeled onto the bed, immediately being guided by wrinkled hands setting on his hips to sit on the man’s still-clothed lap.

“My, my,” his client cooed, those perverted eyes once more raking his body. “I can’t wait to hear you scream,” he seemed to be thinking aloud.

“Then make me,” whispered Lovino with a bit too much zeal, “I’m all yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got pretty creepy... Sex scene next?


	5. Ew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!
> 
> Abusive, unwanted sex

The old man gladly pushed Lovino down to lying on the luscious bed, looming over him on all fours as he forcefully kissed the Italian. Even with the cocaine making him feel happy and confident, Lovino couldn't help but feel confused. This wasn't Antonio. Why was he with this man? What should he do? Where should his hands go? The most prevailing thought that seemed to be piercing his drugged mind was the thought, 'DANGER.' Lovino felt the man's rough hands travel down his body as they made out, rather gently grabbing Lovino's lithe hand and bringing it to stroke the old man's hard cock. When 'daddy' finally decided to break the horrible kiss to moan lewdly, Lovino thought he was going to get sick all over again. The smell of his overpowering cologne, his bitter taste... It was all more than enough to make any decent person nauseous. Yet somehow, Lovino found it in him to continue as long as he remembered why he was letting this happen.

"What does Daddy want his slut to do for him?' Lovino cooed, feeling his bile threaten to spill out. "I want to make sure Daddy gets his money's worth, and more," he added seductively.

"What a dirty whore," the geezer moaned. "Daddy wants to see how good his new plaything is at riding Daddy's cock," He murmured, " So get up, you lazy fuck."

"Y-yessir," Lovino replied, a little shocked by the vulgar words his client was using. Antonio would never talk to him like this. 

"You're being too slow, slut, I said /now/," the man growled, giving Lovino's ass a good slap and causing him to yelp. It did get the man his desired affect, though, because soon the man was sitting against the headboard and Lovino was on his lap, slowly sinking down on his cock as he continued to swallow what threatened to come out.

"Is this what Daddy wanted?" Lovino asked cutely, grinding too deftly on the man's cock, "Does this make Daddy feel good?"

"Shut your fucking mouth, you talk too much," his client said, tightly gripping Lovino's jaw to shut him up himself, "Now quit the bullshit and fucking ride me, slut." Lovino nodded, too terrified to even look this man in the eye. He started with a slow pace and when 'daddy' didn't approve, Lovino was hit and told what to change. It wasn't as if he could fully feel all his senses anyways thanks to his drugs, so Lovino was at least grateful for the pleasure that always settled in after the slight pain. He was even more grateful when the man finally came... without a condom on, Lovino soon learnt with disgust. 

"Your money is on the kitchen counter, slut. I'll be phoning you again soon," the horrible man said as Lovino left. 

"Looking forward to it, Daddy," Lovino happily cooed (or at least he pretended to). Quickly getting dressed, Lovino grabbed the money and practically bolted from the building, hoping to never see it again. Now coming down from his high, Lovino could no longer cope with the repulsive event he'd just endured and vomited right onto the sidewalk. 

'I don't give a damn, I will never do this again. I can /never/ do this again,' he thought to himself all the way home.


	6. Sleeping Beauty

When Lovino came home, he found Antonio asleep on the couch with an almost empty bottle of vodka. 'Damn, he must've been worried about me..' Lovino murmured, thinking his loving boyfriend became anxious after coming to find Lovino not home for the hours to come. The Italian went to set his backpack in their closet and divide up his payment into groups of four: one for repaying what he took from Antonio, one for their bills, another for Ludwig, and the very least amount going into his personal savings. After slipping the few Euros back into Antonio's wallet, Lovino gently woke his boyfriend up. 

"Wake up, you're going to feel shitty if you sleep on this crappy couch," Lovino murmured as he nudged the other's shoulder, finally getting a sleepy response after a few tries.

"Lovi.." Antonio murmured, still fairly asleep, "Where were you?"

"I was working another odd job, now get up," he half-lied, tugging his lover to sit-up.

"You forgot to text me."

"I know, it was really last minute."

"You smell weird."

"That's because you're keeping me from getting my shower by babbling like an idiot," Lovino replied. Fortunately, that answer seemed to satisfy Antonio up to tiredly get up and head to their bed after giving Lovino a light kiss- refilling Lovino with plenty of self-loathing over his sinful deeds.

Lovino headed for the shower, wishing he could take a hot shower for hours, but knew they were too poor for that indulgence. With a heavy sigh, he went to their bathroom and stripped down. Looking in the mirror, Lovino was horrified seeing all of the bruises the client had left on him and was overwhelmed with hatred of all sorts. Barely holding back tears, Lovino stepped into the cool shower and excessively washed himself.. as if he could wash away what he'd done. 

Stepping out, Lovino hated having to dress to hide his bruisings. He soon slipped into the bed, curling up to Antonio after gulping down a bit too much vodka to help him sleep.


	7. The Day After

"Lovino, you have work in a bit, c'mon," Antonio murmured, the statement followed by a yawn as he continued to gently rub Lovino awake. 

"Call me out," Lovino groaned, hiding under the blankets. 

"I wish but... We both know we cannot afford any less income, Lovi...," Antonio sighed guiltily. He really did just want to keep his lover in bed all day and spoil him for once. It felt way too long since they've last had any time together.

Another groan and Lovino soon sat up, letting the blankets fall down his torso. "Alright," He replied. "Thank you for waking me up, mi media naranja," he replied, giving him a gentle kiss before getting out of bed. He hadn't noticed in the warm bed, but his shirt had slid up a bit, revealing a big purple bruise when he stood up.

"Amor, what's that from?" Antonio asked worriedly, causing Lovino to freeze in his tracks.

"It's um.. I banged into a table at last night's job," he quickly murmured, tugging down his shirt.

"Did somebody push you? Were you in a fight again?" Antonio asked, hardly buying any of this from the obvious intensity of the mark.

Lovino audibly huffed. "Yeah, sure, get off my back already," he snapped, feeling easily irritable without his drug. When he glanced at Antonio, his heart sank at the sight of tears welling up and spilling down his cheeks.

"You're getting hurt and exhausting yourself over all of this work and I can't do anything to help," he sobbed, "I'm a horrible novio for not being able to take care of you."

"No, no, no, Antonio," Lovino murmured, getting back on the bed and pulling Antonio to him. "No, Antonio, you're a great boyfriend, I promise. Please stop crying, caro. You're doing just fine, I swear," he promised, gently combing his fingers through the Spaniard's hair as he cried. A few minutes pass and Antonio is able to calm down enough to stop crying. Lovino gingerly wiped away his lover's tears and gave his forehead a soft kiss. "Ti amo," he assured, "Please, believe that I'll love you no matter what, Antonio."

"Te amo, Lovino," Antonio replied, sniffling quietly. "I'm sorry. I've just been so worried and overwhelmed lately; we hardly spend any time together anymore," he vented, "I miss you, Lovi.."

"I miss you, too," Lovino murmured, caressing his lover's flushed cheek, "But we still have to go to work."

Antonio nodded and pulled Lovino in for another kiss before letting him go. "What do you want for breakfast?" he asked.

.....

After breakfast, they parted ways for the next fifteen hours. Lovino paid Ludwig his interest fee and some of his debt, talking briefly about his first client after Lovino sucked off Ludwig. 

"Yeah, he's a regular for me- kinky motherfucker," Ludwig informed after a long inhale from his cigarette.

"What the hell? Why would you set me up with someone like that for my /first/ time?!" Lovino shouted, angry at the other's insensitivity and carelessness.

"Shut up, you're acting like you were a virgin," Ludwig rolled his eyes, causing Lovino to blush deeply.

"A fanabla, bastardo," he murmured. Being too angry for any more English or to put up with Ludwig any longer, Lovino stormed off to finally go home for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mi Media Naranja = My Other Half/Soulmate  
> Novio = Boyfriend  
> Caro = Dear  
> A Fanabla = Fuck Off


	8. Faking It

Lovino couldn’t stop the tears from escaping him as he walked, remembering the humiliation and abuse all over again. Once home, he completely broke down once he shut the door, sliding down against the wall until he was balled up as he sobbed loudly.

“Lovino?” Antonio called, walking into the living room.

Lovino jolted in surprise. “I-I thought you were still at work,” he whimpered, trying to hide the obvious fact he was crying.

Antonio sighed and knelt in front of Lovino. “I got let off early today,” he said, gingerly pulling his lover’s wrists away from his face to wipe the tears away himself. “Why are you crying, mi amor?” he asked in the calmest tone he could manage, “What happened?”

“N-nothing. Work’s just been really overwhelming…” Lovino half-lied, still trembling.

“That so… You need a drink?” Antonio suggested, knowing they had some wine leftover. Lovino nodded quietly, wishing for nothing more to become heavily intoxicated. “Great, me too,” Antonio smiled softly in such a way that it almost made Lovino feel okay. Antonio helped his boyfriend up before saying, “Go get comfy on the couch and let me spoil you.”

Lovino smiled a bit at that. “Grazie, Antonio. I’ll be right back, though,” he said, giving his lover a soft kiss before heading to the bedroom with his backpack. Locking the bedroom door, he undressed. It took him a few extra minutes just to redress because he couldn’t seem to pull his eyes away from their bedroom’s mirror. His body was thin and pale, almost like paper. He had purple and blue bruises, and a few hickeys, littering his body. Lovino began to feel himself break down again at the sight of his grotesque body. Instead, he searched through his bag for makeup and cocaine. After decently covering up the discolourations, Lovino snorted a few lines before finally heading back out, feeling confident and giddily happy.

“You seem to be feeling better already,” Antonio smiled, handing the other a glass of wine. “Now, let’s get tipsy and then some,” he said playfully, giving Lovino’s waist a gentle squeeze and a peck before going to sit on the couch with the wine bottle and glass.

Lovino gladly joined Antonio, suggestively nestling against his lover. "Y'know... It's been a while since we've had some fun," he purred as the drug blocked everything bad from his mind.


	9. A Bad Mix

Lovino moaned as Antonio grabbed his ass, the two grinding against each other with Lovino on top in Antonio’s lap. “Fuck, Antonio, carry me to the goddamn bedroom already,” Lovino groaned, tired of all this teasing already.

“Y’sure?” Antonio murmured. Since Lovino had been in a bad mood earlier, he wanted to make sure he comfortable.

“Yes, baby,” he practically moaned again. He was too aroused and intoxicated to think clearly, anyways.

Antonio nodded and picked up his light lover. ‘When did he become so thin?’ Antonio thought to himself as he carried Lovino, still peppering him with kisses despite his concern, ‘I’ll have to fix that later..’

Antonio lied down on the bed, kissing down Lovino’s body and sliding his pants off along the way. Lovino gently laced his fingers into Antonio’s thick hair, watching him with glazed over eyes as he tried with difficulty to pay attention to his lover in his state and increasingly finding that mixing drugs and alcohol was not sitting well with him.

“A-Antonio s-stop,” Lovino found himself reluctantly saying, abruptly sitting up. Suddenly his arousal was gone and he was going to get sick. “Get me a trashcan,” he said to his confused lover, his hand darting for his mouth. 

Antonio obediently complied, handing the wastebasket they kept in the bedroom to his lover. Lovino vomited for a good few minutes as Antonio went to grab water and return to comfort him. “Too much vodka, huh?” he asked, rubbing Lovino’s back. Of course, he was a little disappointed that yet another night of intimacy and lovemaking was canceled, but Lovino’s health and wellbeing was always above that.

Lovino nodded dully to that. “I don’t feel good…” he stated the obvious in his disoriented state, setting the wastebasket back on the floor. His stomach was hurting painfully, nausea was still overwhelming his system, and now he was overly dizzy with a headache... Great.

“Here, drink some water,” Antonio suggested, handing Lovino a glass that he gladly gulped down. “You just can’t seem to get a break, huh?” he murmured, gingerly tugging Lovino to sit in a more comfortable position to sit in against the headboard.

Lovino set the empty glass on the nightstand and shifted to cuddle with Antonio, wanting to just feel safe and calm right now. “I’m sorry for ruining our night…” he murmured, guilt sinking in.

Antonio shook his head. “I’m just happy to be spending time with my beautiful boyfriend. I don’t need sex to make me happy to have you, Lovino,” he assured, giving his lover’s head a gentle peck, “Ti amo, mi media naranja.”

“Te amo, Antonio…” Lovino murmured as guilt ate at yet another piece of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the chapter: don't mix your cocaine with alcohol, kids


	10. Decisions

They cuddled until Antonio was asleep, then Lovino shrugged his lover off to get up and do something with his restless self. It was too hot tonight anyways to be cooped up with another person under blankets anyways. 

Lovino felt irritable yet so manic and upbeat as he cleaned and organised the apartment. It was as if being productive was mood-lifting, yet if someone were to bother him, he’d probably snap. Without drugs, it always felt as if he were walking on a thin line between feeling okay and complete despair. He considered taking something, anything to make himself feel more stable, but decided not to end up in the hospital tonight…

“Lovino? What’re you doing up? We still don’t have work for a few more hours,” Antonio murmured from the hallway entrance.

“Shit. What time is it?” he asked himself aloud, looking at the clock. It was five in the morning. “God… I wasn’t able to sleep, Antonio…” he confessed, beginning to feel overwhelmed at the thought of going through the day without any sleep at all.

Antonio frowned. “Lovino, I think you should see a doctor,” he murmured. “You’ve been acting strange again and coming home covered in weird bruises,” he reasoned.

As if Lovino wasn’t feeling bad enough, this only made it worse. “N-no, Antonio, I’m fine. We can’t afford losing a day’s paycheck anyways,” Lovino said, visibly panicked as he went pale.

“And we can’t afford you being sick, or worse, dead, if it’s something serious,” Antonio persisted.

“A-Antonio, please, I don’t need to go,” Lovino pleaded, feeling his breathing pick up as tears filled his eyes. He didn’t want Antonio to find out that he’s relapsed, worse than any time before. His drug abuse, getting into fights, everything. When Antonio, back when they were just friends, was extremely upset over finding out how Lovino was living. In fact, the reason Antonio was struggling with becoming bankrupt was because he was the one to save Lovino from his previous circumstances in the first place. If Antonio were to find out his lover was practically back to the same spot he’d found him years ago, he would be heartbroken.

Antonio sighed. “At least to one of the small clinics in town, please? Not like you got anything to hide, mi amore,” he said more calmly.

Lovino knew he couldn’t convince Antonio to let him take himself alone either, because the Spaniard knew all too well that Lovino wouldn’t go unless forced most times. “Fine… But not today, please? I’m off Saturday,” he requested, hoping four days would be enough to get the drugs out of his system (which last night was not a bad start of).

“Alright, but are you sure you’re well enough to go to work?” Antonio asked worriedly. Lovino would too often say yes to that question yet need to picked up early from work later because he would have fainted.

“Yes, and I promise I’ll even leave work early if I don’t feel well later in the day,” Lovino assured.

“Fine, now come on. Let’s try to get at least some sleep in ya before your shift,” Antonio beckoned, ushering his boyfriend to bed. He lied down with Lovino with no blankets and the fan on. “Sorry I can’t afford to get an air conditioning unit in here,” he murmured, rubbing Lovino’s side lovingly.

“Not your fault, idiot… I could at least contribute to this damn flat a bit more than a few euros on the bills and groceries…” Lovino sullenly replied.

“You’re still getting back on your feet, though. It’s not easy to just get a job with your background and lack of higher education,” Antonio reminded, more stating the facts than sugar coating him.

“I don’t think this many companies should be refusing to hire me over just a history of drug abuse and being in holding once or twice… It’s not like the dates are that recent anyways,” Lovino murmured.

“I don’t think so either, mi media naranja,” Antonio murmured, “And if I could, I’d make it so you’d never have to work another day in your life so that I can spoil you all day and night, every single day.”

Lovino smiled softly. “Te amo,” he cooed, kissing Antonio lovingly. The first few rays of morning sunlight began to peek through their blinds. “I think we should wake up early more often,” he noted, gazing into Antonio’s dark eyes as the bluish sunlight coated it.

Antonio chuckled softly and gave Lovino’s waist a little squeeze. “You’d complain about it eventually,” he teased, giving Lovino a chaste peck before sitting up. “You can relax longer, but I gotta head in early today,” he informed before getting out of bed. “Oh. and ti amo,” Antonio sweetly cooed before leaving to get a quick shower.

Now, with him gone, Lovino had the fun, persisting thought of what would be the right thing to do. They couldn’t afford Lovino not going to work or him not working the corners, nor could Lovino’s mind and body afford being sober through all of that.


	11. Meeting

Lovino ended up finding himself at work and sober. He could hardly keep himself awake, let alone tolerate his constant migraines and nausea. The only decent freedom from his intolerable symptoms was taking a sip of flavoured vodka and smoking cigarettes on his breaks. While on one of these breaks, an albino man approached him. He wasn’t an employee, but was smoking at the stand. 

“Ciao,” he greets him casually, “Got a lighter? I just ran out.”

Lovino nodded and handed him his. “Haven’t seen you around this shitty town before. Are you visiting?” he asked conversationally.

The man nodded as he lit his cigarette, soon handing back the lighter. “Visit’n family. I’m from Germany,” he informed, taking a deep inhale.

“Ah. Um, you don’t happen to be related to, uh, Ludwig… Are you?” Lovino nervously asked.

“Hm? Ja, he’s my little, huge, brother,” he informed. “Why?” Gilbert asked curiously.

Lovino shrugged casually, trying to appear as calm as he was not. “He’s a familiar acquaintance…” he murmured. 

“Really? Huh, small world. He doesn’t cause too much trouble around here, does he?” Gilbert played in a teasing tone. “Actually, do you know where I can find him this time of day? He wasn’t home and didn’t answer my calls earlier. I know the bastard’s busy, but I didn’t come all this way just to spend five minutes at a bar,” he grumbled light-heartedly.

“Uh, no… But, my shift ends in a few minutes if you’d want to waste some time until then,” Lovino offered, hoping to get something out of this guy after a day of earning an unlawfully low pay.

“Sure, why not,” he shrugged. “My treat,” Gilbert offered since if this man worked at a tiny convenience store, he probably was not getting paid very much.

“Sounds good to me. Meet me back here in an hour, okay?” he suggested, snubbing out his cigarette before discarding it.

Gilbert nodded, still working on his. “See ya later, cutie,” he cooed playfully as Lovino left.

Lovino felt a shiver run up his spine at the name, yet he wasn’t sure whether it was from disgust or from want. During his last hour of break, he swore to himself that he wouldn’t begin to fuck both of the Beilschmidt brothers when just the one was more than overwhelming to put up with without the sex. 

Later, the two found themselves at a nearby bar, chatting away. Gilbert would occasionally get a little flirty, but Lovino continuously played innocent- which both found incredibly fun.

“Seriously, though,” Gilbert started as he paid the bartender, “We should hangout again. What’s your number?”

Lovino shrugged to himself, thinking, ‘Fuck it. It’s not like this counts as cheating,’ and gave Gilbert his mobile number. Soon, they parted and Lovino actually found himself excited to have become friends with the guy, despite him being Ludwig’s brother. It was great how different he was from Ludwig, yet not better than finally coming home not higher than the Tower of Pisa or exhausted from sex. It wasn’t the easiest to deny the opportunity to make more money this night, but Lovino would get used to it during his brief period of sobriety (until after Saturday).

At home, Lovino walked home, paling for the second time today, at the sight of Antonio and… his brother and Ludwig’s fiancé, Feliciano chatting in the kitchen.


	12. Something is Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!
> 
> This chapter contains thoughts of suicide.

“Feliciano, what’re you doing here?” Lovino asked. 

It had been months since they’ve talked, and Lovino’s relationship to Feliciano’s fiancè also did not help. There was always this awkward tension stuck separating the two. Neither of them was sure when it started, and Feliciano always tried to overcome it, but Lovino merely didn’t want anything to do with Feliciano. It was just too difficult seeing him so happy with Ludwig, if only he knew the truth… But, Lovino refused to ruin his brother’s happiness anymore. It was bad enough when Feliciano caught him doing drugs those few years ago. Lovino had made him swore not to tell anyone, although that still never stopped Antonio from eventually finding out…

“Oh. I just thought it’s been too long since I’ve seen you two- I miss you,” he smiled pleasantly despite the obvious hurt in his voice- or maybe it was only obvious to Lovino.

“I-Is everything alright?” Lovino asked skeptically.

His brother shrugged, still maintaining his stupid smile as he said, “Is anything ever?” all too casually.

Antonio awkwardly cleared his throat. “Feliciano, I just bought some nice sangria. Do you want some and a snack while you’re here? There’s a football game coming on between Milan and Barcelona,” he suggested in attempt to break the tension over common interests- good food and football.

“That sounds like a great idea,” Feliciano grinned, sliding off the bar stool he was sitting on to help Antonio make the snacks.

“Uh, I’m going to go take a shower,” Lovino murmured, before leaving the two. He did reek of cigarettes and of a cheap tavern, and even though he had nothing to feel guilty of from today, he still lived under this constant feeling that he was always in the wrong anyways. 

The warm water felt satisfying as it hit Lovino’s skin, washing away the day’s stress, cleansing him of everything wrong if for just a few minutes. With a sigh, he too soon had to shut off the shower and step out. Wrapping a towel around his hips, Lovino glances down the hall toward their living room, hearing how happy his brother and boyfriend sounded together. What was Lovino thinking? Everyone was happier with Feliciano, he was perfect in every way Lovino failed… If only their parents had only had Feliciano, then this world would have one less burden.

Lovino sighed and walked into the bedroom to change. He desperately needed some cocaine as his mood only continued to plummet. He couldn’t help but think about how disgusting he is to so heavily depend on the vile drug. Yet, it was still too tempting to take all of his stash and end it right here, but Lovino just got dressed and walked back out into the living room to drink and pretend to have fun for a bit.


	13. Al Mal Tiempo, Buena Cara

A while later, the game was finally over. “Thanks for having me over, I had a good time” Feliciano cooed, getting up and soon leaving.

“Oi, Feli,” Lovino murmured, following his brother into the apartment building’s hallway. “Is everything alright?” He asked worriedly. No matter how much he wanted to force himself to not care, it just wasn’t about to happen. 

“Um… No, no it’s not…” he finally admitted, almost as if on cue, the little Italian’s body began to shake like a leaf. “L-Ludwig’s been c-cheating on me!” Feliciano sobbed

Lovino immediately was overcome by disgust and anger... And fear. “That bastard! Feliciano, you don’t have to put up with that trash, you deserve so much better that. Have you broken up with him?” he asked, trying not to shout. He knew that he was also at fault for this, but how else was he supposed to react? He could only hope that Ludwig didn’t snitch. Besides, he hasn’t touched Ludwig lately.

Feliciano shook his head, looking down at the floor as his tears continued to flow uncontrollably. Lovino sighed at his hopeless brother and pulled him in to rest his head on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault,” he murmured, petting him softly, “And I won’t make you go back to him tonight if you don’t want to… You could stay with Antonio and I.”

“R-really?” Feliciano asked quietly, not wanting to intrude like any other decent person, but he just couldn’t face his fiancé right now.

Lovino nodded. “Of course you can, for as long as you need,” he promised. He’d offer the other to even borrow his clothes and what not, but Lovino was honestly all bones compared to Feliciano, they just wouldn’t fit him.

“God, I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Lovi,” Feliciano said, straightening up and squeezing Lovino in a hug. It still insanely hurt, but at least he knew he could get support from his own brother at least.

“I love you, too,” Lovino cooed, giving Feliciano’s back a gentle pat. His voice and words may sound soft and caring for now, but all Lovino could think about was how Ludwig was going to pay for being so careless. “Now, you go inside and take a shower and freshen up. You can borrow Antonio’s clothes and I’ll go set up the couch for you to sleep on,” he said, pulling away and opening the front door for them to go back in.

“Oh, did you forget something, Feli?” Antonio asked as he saw the two walk back in from where he was doing the dishes.

“No, Feliciano’s going to be staying with us for a while,” Lovino explained as he shooed his brother to the bathroom as he walked over to Antonio.  
“Sorry,” Feliciano shyly apologised, his face and eyes still flushed from crying.

Antonio glanced worriedly at the two. “Don’t mention it, I’d love to have you with us longer,” he assured. Feliciano smiled softly and thanked the two before excusing himself to the shower.

“His bastard fiancé really fucked up this time,” Lovino quietly growled, crossing his arms.

“Oh god, what now?” Antonio sighed, drying his hands off with the towel. 

“Feli, caught the bastard cheating, and I really don’t want to know what possibly else. I always knew he was fucking trouble,” he grumbled despite how much at fault he knew he himself was.

“Dios mío,” Antonio sighed, this only bringing up his own worries about their own relationship. “What is he going to do about this?’ He asked,

“Don’t know, but that man can’t just get away with hurting my brother like this,” Lovino murmured, unable to even say Ludwig’s name he was so full of anger over this.

Antonio sighed again and pulled Lovino to himself in a soft embrace. “Please, don’t do anything outrageous. We need to be smart about this,” he replied, rubbing Lovino’s hips soothingly.

“Fine, fine, whatever… Can you just go pick out some clothes for Feliciano to borrow and I’ll go set up the couch for him to sleep on,” Lovino quietly suggested, resting his head against Antonio’s chest in defeat.

“Alright,” Antonio complied. “Te amo,” he reminded, giving the top of Lovino’s head a soft kiss.

“Ti amo,” Lovino murmured, feeling a bit better thanks to Antonio. He leaned up to give Antonio a soft kiss before moving away to finally get everything set up for the night.


	14. A Night Well Spent

“Thank you again for letting me stay,” Feliciano said, sitting on the mattress in the living room. He felt guilty for being a burden to his dear loved ones again and probably not for the last time either.

Lovino shrugged. “It’s nothing. I’m always happy to help out my little brother,” he smiled softly, playfully messing up Feliciano’s moist hair.

“Hey, cut that out,” Feliciano chuckled. “Go get ready for bed, I don’t want you ending up at work late because of me,” he said, shooing Lovino’s hand away.

“Yeah, yeah. Just shout if you need anything. Buona notte, Feli,” he cooed before heading to grab a clean towel from the closet so he could get a shower.

Meanwhile, Antonio had just left their bedroom with his pyjamas in hand. “Oi, Lovino. Can I shower with you?” Antonio requested since it seemed they were both heading for the same thing.

Lovino pondered the risks for a moment- trying to make sure that any of his hickeys, bruises, or what not, wouldn’t be noticeable. “Sure, why not,” he gave in, opening the doro for Antonio to walk in and start the shower.

The Spaniard was ecstatic that his lately distant lover is letting him in a bit again. “Gracias,” he grinned, turning on the shower then stripping, “I’m sure if we shower together more often, we’ll save money on water anyways.”

Lovino nodded, tentatively removing his clothing and stepping into the warm water. He hoped the steam would make hide his body enough that Antonio wouldn’t mention anything. 

Antonio did frown at his scrawny, bruised lover, but soon replaced the expression with a soft smile. “You look great, Lovi,” he assured, sensing Lovino’s self-consciousness. The Spaniard gently held Lovino by the hips, rubbing them lovingly.

“G-grazie,” Lovino murmured, resting his head against Antonio’s chest. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been really out of it lately,” he weakly apologised, feeling immensely bad for how he must be making Antonio feel.

He shook his head, murmuring, “No,” as he pressed soft kisses to the top of Lovino’s head, “Don’t apologise, things have been difficult for us both.”

In response, Lovino only pulled himself closer, craving Antonio’s touch. “It’s been awhile since…” he murmured, knowing Antonio was thinking the same thing. Whenever things were going well for them, they always indulged in lots of sex. It was when they stopped having sex altogether they could tell something had to be changed.  
“I know, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to. You always look exhausted, I’d hate to make it worse,” Antonio calmly replied, gently rubbing Lovino’s back. 

“Then I can just suck you off. It won’t be as much work as real sex then,” Lovino suggested, peppering Antonio’s tanned skin with kisses, “Please? I miss touching you.”

The Spaniard couldn’t help but begin to be aroused by Lovino’s words and touches. He sighed, giving in. He lifted Lovino’s chin and deeply, lovingly kissed him. Antonio continued to press for more, tasting every crook of Lovino’s mouth and playing with his tongue. Soon, before they knew it, Lovino was backed up against the tiled wall, his arms around Antonio’s neck only to pull him closer. Antonio’s hands slid down Lovino’s sides, giving his ass a squeeze before moving a hand to his groin, beginning to stroke Lovino’s wet, hard cock- receiving a soft moan in response.

Once Lovino was fully erect, Antonio got onto his knees, kissing down Lovino’s body as he went. “You look so hot like this,” he cooed before gently sucking at the base of the Italian’s cock.

“Could say the same about you,” Lovino teased back, his hands already finding themselves in Antonio’s soft hair.

Antonio’s response to that was finally taking Lovino’s cock into his mouth, swirling his tongue over the tip before beginning to bob for more. He moaned softly against his length, happily deepthroating him. 

“Dio, Antonio,” Lovino moaned, gently bucking into his lover’s mouth for more as he continued to hold Antonio in place by his hair, “This feels so fucking good.”

As reward for his praises, Antonio lifted a hand to massage Lovino’s balls and increasing his pace on his cock. Soon, since Lovino’s body was no longer used to receiving such pleasurable attentions, Lovino was moaning about how close to orgasming he was. When the Italian did come, Antonio didn’t let a single drop of his cum go to waste, swallowing it all as he was unsure of when he’d be able to taste him again.

“Christ, Antonio, I think you’ve gotten even better since the last time,” Lovino chuckled weakly, caressing Antonio sweetly as he rose to stand.

“Only one person to blame for that,” Antonio teased, giving Lovino a soft peck.

“Alright, alright, but now it’s your turn- then we wash before our water bill ends up being any worse,” he played, switching spots with his lover.

Antonio chuckled and complied. Lovino wasted no time for getting onto his knees. He kissed softly at Antonio’s thighs, occasionally giving the a playful nip, as he stroked Antonio’s cock to be fully erect. He kissed up Antonio’s hard shaft, teasing him just a bit more before finally taking Antonio’s cock into his mouth. He bobbed his head slowly, dragging his teeth softly against the sensitive skin. 

“Damn, and you said I was good,” Antonio panted, not even bothering to hold back his moans. He couldn’t help but grind softly against Lovino’s mouth, holding his hair as well.

Lovino couldn’t help but be a bit amused by the comment which had only encouraged him to go faster. With Antonio also not having felt such great things in so long soon became close and came into Lovino’s mouth. “Felt good?” Lovino asked as he stood up, holding Antonio close by the hips.

Antonio nodded, still recovering from his orgasm. “Let’s get in bed and cuddle all night,” he cooed, giving Lovino one more kiss before reaching to turn off the cooling water. 

“Sounds like a good plan to me,” Lovino smiled, getting out and handing Antonio a towel as he dried himself off.

That was just what they did. For once, they spent the entire night close to each other, holding one another and murmuring sweet nothings until they both fell asleep for the night. It was the most restful sleep either of them had gotten in a long time.


	15. Uncertainty

It was around the fifth call and tenth text message that Lovino had finally woken up from the persistant disturbance. He sleepily reached for his phone that he had left on the nightstand, seeing that most of them were from Ludwig- one was from Feliciano saying his thanks for letting him stay and that he’d gone to work. “Shit,” he grumbled, sitting up and quickly getting dressed so that he could answer the call away from Antonio- in the apartment building’s hallway.

“What do you want, bastard?” Lovino said as he finally answered the phone.

“Feliciano was at your place last night? What did you tell him? I swear to God if you said anything-” Ludwig rambled until he was cut off by Lovino.

“Shut it, you bastard. Our original deal was that I wouldn’t snitch on you if you gave me discounts and promised to never hurt Feliciano, and guess what you fucking did? You fucked up, that’s what,” Lovino snapped. “If you hadn’t dragged me into your twisted mess then I would have already told him how much of a sick bastard you really are,” he assured.

“Look, I know. Just… What’ll it take for you to help me get your brother to forgive me? Please, I’ll do anything. I was high and drunk, you know how things are when you get like that,” Ludwig pleaded.

The Italian snorted at the irony of the situation- Ludwig was begging /him/ for something. “Erase my debt with you and give me all the freebies I desire and I will not only say a word to Feliciano, but I’ll make him even more in love with you than ever,” Lovino offered.

Ludwig stayed silent for a few moments, contemplating how badly this could affect him- Lovino was his best customer. “Fine,” he sighed, “But I want a message everyday over the progress you make with him until we’re back together or I say so.”

“Deal,” Lovino replied, “Guess I’ll talk to you later then, I have to get back to Antonio before he wakes up without me again.” With that, Ludwig gave his goodbye and own thanks before ending the call. 

The Italian sighed, already feeling exhausted and in need of more cocaine. Lovino didn’t want to encourage his hopeless-romantic of a brother to get back with Ludwig, but it would save him and Antonio hundreds, if not thousands, of euros. His heart or his wallet, he just didn’t know which one to listen to…

“Hey, beautiful. Whatcha up to out here?” Antonio asked, opening their apartment door. 

“Just answering a call from work…” Lovino half-lied, putting his phone in his pocket. “Let’s go back to bed for just a bit longer, yeah?” he suggested, wanting to shake his latest dilemma out of his thoughts.

Antonio nodded and gently grabbed Lovino’s hand to guide him back to bedroom. He wanted to selfishly hold Lovino captive in their apartment forever so he could love and spoil him properly, but he knew it was an impractical wish so he’d happily settle for more time for cuddling with the most important person in his life. Besides, Antonio couldn’t shake the feeling that Lovino has been lying to him, or perhaps worse…


	16. Relax

Relax

“I think Feliciano should forgive Ludwig,” Lovino murmured to Antonio as they cuddled in bed.

That surprised Antonio, he himself didn’t think that Feliciano should be back with Ludwig, but Lovino was even more against it than he was. “What? Why? Lovi, that man has hurt your brother more than anyone else has before. Not even I believe Feliciano should just forgive Ludwig,” Antonio retorted, keeping his voice even and calm.

“But they must really love each other, Ludwig practically worships Feli,” Lovino reminded, “Maybe he was just drunk or something?” 

“You know there is never any excuse for cheating, Lovi,” Antonio frowned, “And even if your brother were to somehow forgive him, their relationship would never be the same again- probably just be uncomfortable and miserable most of the time.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right…” Lovino sighed, still trying to plan a way to get the two back together. What he’s done already sickened him, but now to fix their broken relationship was just nauseating. Lovino even toyed with the idea of confessing everything to Antonio to try to get himself help out of his own helpless situation of debt and addiction. 

After a few moments of silence, as the two were stuck in their thoughts, Antonio broke the silence with a question that caught Lovino off guard. “Lovino, what would you do if you found out I’ve been cheating on you?” Antonio asked quite casually.

“I… I don’t know. Obviously, I’d be upset, I guess,” He murmured, actually thinking he may be relieved since then he wouldn’t be the only one guilty if he himself confessed (although, Lovino would still be on the worse side). “I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you, Antonio,” Lovino added, lacing their fingers together, “I’d be really sad to find out that you could so easily be without me like that.”

Antonio nodded, gingerly giving Lovino’s head a peck. “Te amo,” he murmured sincerely.

“Ti amo,” Lovino replied just as seriously.

Antonio smiled softly as if he hadn’t just heard Lovino say that to him the other day. “I have one more question- a request really,” Antonio murmured, “Could you not go out today? Just call out and stay here with me… Please?”

Lovino knew today was just booked with many clients along with real work, but he just couldn’t say no to Antonio right now. “Alright,” he sighed, “I guess we both do deserve time off.” He was honestly exhausted anyways- although, his drugs would have later fixed that. He sent out the various texts and made a few calls to everyone who was expecting him today and spent the day fulfilling Antonio’s wish by staying in his arms and full-heartedly returning his affections all day. Lovino had to keep reminding himself that this wasn’t normal, though, that he’d soon have to return to slaving away to everyone else tomorrow…


	17. The Beginning of the End

They’d gone to work the next day. Antonio was feeling fairly confident in their relationship again, leaving him in a good mood as he worked hard to get home soon so he could hopefully spend more time with Lovino. He was just finishing his break when he received a call from Lovino.

“Oi… I lost my job,” Lovino informed, walking slowly home.

This took Antonio by surprise. The two rarely missed work nor were they ever late. “What? How could they?” he exclaimed, trying not to let his despair or anger show, “Did they at least tell you why they fired you?”

Lovino sighed. “I’m heading home now, but I’m going to go job searching in a bit so I may not be home until late. Ciao,” he murmured before hanging up. Truth is, he didn’t want to admit to Antonio that he was caught doing drugs; he could at least say that he was lucky to have not been reported to the police for his illicit activities and at least now he had a bit more of an excuse to be out so late. Lovino did have a heart, though, and it hurt him to be cheating on Antonio so much- at least, when his clients weren’t too cruel, Lovino could at least pretend the client was Antonio…

As for Antonio, his day went by in a blur. He was overwhelmed by the thought of what would happen now that Lovino was completely out of a job; they were already late on rent. Antonio was even more upset when he came home to an empty apartment. He got out his phone, sending Lovino a text which said, ‘Please, come home soon,’ and he did, but not until a few more hours had passed. Two were to try to get some more income before the night ended, another two to recover from his intoxications.

“Antonio?” He called, holding a cheap bouquet of flowers. He found Antonio asleep on the couch and sighed. “Antonio, you’re going to complain of aching tomorrow if you sleep here,” he murmured, gently shaking the Spaniard.

At first, he only groaned before sleepily opening his caramel eyes. “Why is it you’re never home, Lovino?” he murmured sadly, half-asleep. 

Lovino was caught off guard by this. “What? Antonio, it’s only 22.00,” Lovino reminded, shaking Antonio a bit more to fully wake him.

Antonio rubbed at his eyes. “Hm? I’m sorry,” he murmured, sweetly caressing Lovino before pulling him in for a kiss.

Lovino let himself indulge in the soft touch and affection that he almost forgets every night before pulling away. “You’re drunk,” he frowned.

“I know,” Antonio replied, “Because I was lonely and upset.”

“If this is about the job, it’s alright,” he assured, reaching for his wallet and showing Antonio the money, “My last paycheck should cover this month’s rent. We’ll be ok.”

Antonio shook his head. “No, I don’t think so,” he murmured before falling back to sleep.

Bewildered, Lovino merely sighed. “Drunken idiot,” he grumbled, putting a blanket over Antonio and putting the flowers in a vase. Despite himself, Lovino couldn’t help but agree with him. The Italian man took a shower and as he dried off, looking at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t say that this was the first time he’d loathed himself.


	18. Something's Wrong Here

“Gilbert, you have good ties, right?” Lovino asked on the phone, lying alone on his bed as Antonio had already left for work.

“Damn, it’s hardly noon, Lovino. Why?” He asked, sipping at beer despite the hour.

“You already know what I do, but unfortunately I’ve lost one of my trillion-some jobs. Do you know any high-paying clients?” He asked, “Please, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Honestly? One of mine was asking if I had anyone they could share my session with. High-paying old men, but you know how those go,” Gilbert mumbled almost reluctantly. The pay may always be nice and very much needed, but that meant up to more than triple the abuse very much often.

“I don’t care about that. Just text me the details and I’ll see you then, okay?” He replied.

“Alright. Auf wiederhören,” Gilbert responded before hanging up and doing so.

With that, and an hour or so to convince himself to do so, Lovino got out of bed to clean himself up for his long day out. He left Antonio a note on the counter and made him a dinner which was left in the fridge before leaving to pick up a few clients of his own before going to meet Gilbert.

Lovino had to admit, he was a bit anxious, which rarely to never happened to him (mostly because he was too intoxicated most the time for much feeling at all). His anxiety increased drastically by the minute. They both looked amazing, dolled up in subtle but sexy makeup, skinny jeans, earrings, hair done, and everything; looking bad was far from their worries. At the door to the client’s apartment, having already knocked and tensions piling up, Lovino admitted quietly to Gilbert, “I’m not so sure I can do this.”

“What do you mean? We’re already here, you can’t bail now. Do you need alcohol or something?” Gilbert offered, a little annoyed at his accomplice for acting like such a newbie, “Look, if you’re still feeling so bad after an hour, I’ll slip you a little something for free, alright?” 

To that, Lovino nodded, trying to swallow the butterflies threatening to spill out of his stomach. The door opened and his heart stopped. He felt like an animal being led to slaughter as he entered the stranger’s home, being plagued by his gut’s premonitions. 

“You look a little tense, baby-doll,” one of the old men purred. “Why don’t you have a sip of this to take the edge off?” he suggested, handing Lovino a drank that he gratefully took and drank without even questioning what it was as Gilbert already wandered off with one of the others.

Without realising it, Lovino found himself quickly becoming dizzy and confused. His speech slurred and awareness being down to a few moments every few hours, Lovino couldn’t comprehend what was happening around him. A hand lifting his chin. Black. Laughter and drinking. Black. Vomiting. Black. Gilbert asking him various questions he couldn’t answer. Black. 

Finally, a white ceiling as the cool, morning light enters the room through the window. Lovino sits up slowly and looks around. Where he is now is unfamiliar. It looks clean and well-kept, updated even. This isn’t his home, this isn’t the client’s home, and this certainly isn’t his either.

“Oh, you’re awake,” a voice calls. Lovino glances at the person in the doorway who held a tray of food. Brain fog and the nauseating migraine forced him to take longer than usual to recognise it was Gilbert.

“What happened?” Lovino asked, his voice hoarse and dry.

Gilbert sighed and walked over to Lovino, setting the tray on his lap. “Eat and drink a little and I’ll explain,” he promised, pulling a chair up to sit at Lovino’s bedside.


	19. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for: mentally ill thoughts leading to further self harm

“I should’ve never taken you. I was drugged too, but, I guess I have a bit of a higher tolerance since I definitely weigh more than you,” he murmured, eying Lovino’s almost skeletal frame. 

“Please, Gil, just take me home,” Lovino pleaded, his little frame still shaking both from the cold, the lack of drugs, and from the memories that tried to invade his thoughts.

“Are you sure? You can stay here longer. It’s mine and Ludwig’s apartment,” Gilbert informed which only made Lovino stiffen up more and even begin to break out in a cold sweat.

Lovino struggled for air, feeling the room close in on him. “L-Ludwig? That… That means…. Does Feliciano know?” he asked worriedly, feeling as if he were ready to pass out from anxiety.

“Fortunately for us, they’re both on holiday after they had fixed things up together, at the beaches for the weekend,” Gilbert assured before letting out a sigh. “I’ll call you a cab, but I think you really need to see a doctor, Lovi,” he murmured almost sadly, “You really look horrible.”

Lovino scoffed weakly. “Thanks..” he sighed, running a hand through his dirty hair. “Can I use your shower? I feel horrible too,” the Italian requested, although unsure of himself if he could even stand.

Gilbert nodded. “Yeah, as long as you eat and drink a little first,” he requested to which Lovino agreed. The two talked over the breakfast, Gilbert purposefully avoiding talking about last night, but all the other topics they chatted about didn’t make Lovino feel any better either.

Finally alone in the bathroom, exhaustion tugging at his limbs, his heart palpating from every bad choice he ever made slowly destroying Lovino’s now frail body. He tentatively began to undress, almost afraid to see himself. From last night alone, there were all sorts of cuts, bites, burns, and other wounds littering his body一 all which had happened after he had blacked out. Are some of these even from animals? Lovino shuddered, feeling his breakfast rush back up.

After almost passing out over the toilet, Lovino had only enough strength to sit in the shower, wishing he could keep food down. The fragile man felt so disgusted he didn’t even want to see himself anymore, curling up and closing his eyes as he simply let the warm water try to comfort him as dark thoughts plagued his tired mind. 

This was never the life he wanted. Lovino wanted to be happily married to Antonio, living in the quiet countryside with plenty of children. They were getting close to their dreams. Lovino was still in college and doing some work on the side, Antonio was working an amazing job that he both enjoyed and got paid well for. Then Antonio got laid off and they couldn’t afford their home, then one incident after another, Lovino had to leave college to work more but it still wasn’t enough for both of them to survive on the cheapest of plans. Lovino ended up turning to drugs to keep up with all of the long hours he was putting in, then sleeping with his dealer to save money on the drugs he became addicted to一 only to find out his dealer was Feliciano’s boyfriend (now fiance)一 which then quickly led to outright prostituting. Lovino hated his current life and he hated himself for thinking any of this was a good idea to begin with. He thought, maybe if he would end it all today, he might just be able to wake up in the reality of his dreams. Antonio would probably grateful he can finally move onto someone who treats him better. Feliciano will finally stop standing up for his burdensome, failure of a brother. Maybe Lovino could even see his grandfather and parents again. It felt so simple and warm. All he would have to do is jump off a building or take one too many pills and everything would be over. This life didn’t have to have a happy ending, but maybe his next life would be better.

Lovino got up and out of the shower, stumbling as the room swirled around him. He quickly got dressed with a newfound energy and went to finish breakfast with Gilbert who had found his friend’s sudden happiness quite uncanny, but the pale man simply blamed it on a fresh dose of drugs, and with that, Lovino soon left for him apartment with almost a skip to his step.


	20. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extreme trigger warning!!! Please do not read if you're not in a good place right now..

Once home, in the fresh delirium of his discovery (and extra little pill), Lovino cleaned up the entire apartment with a bottle of vodka in his hand which he intended to finish. Antonio wouldn’t be home until the earlier hours of the morning as one of his jobs increased his hours to reach their deadline. It’d be good that Antonio would have so much extra money to spend once Lovino was gone. He hoped that Antonio would get himself something nice, maybe finally move out of the slums without his selfish lover holding him back anymore. The young Italian had convinced himself that what he was doing was a good thing, he was doing everyone a favour and there was not a single gram of sense left to tell him otherwise.

‘Antonio may be sad for a little while, but then he’ll see things from my point of view,’ Lovino thought to himself, ‘He’ll be able to see how much better he is without me.’

With the apartment clean and the bottle becoming emptier, Lovino started thinking of where to do it. If it weren’t for all of the drugs clouding his mind, the young man would be able to admit that he was actually a little scared. After-all, what comes after? Without any proper judgement, Lovino genuinely could not care. 

A few more sips in and he’d be stumbling into the bathroom, note already written from an hour he couldn’t remember in hand along with his little backpack. ‘So this is it?’ he wondered with a stomach-turning excitement, ‘I’m finally going to be free… and everyone is going to be so much happier… no longer the ugly, failure of a lover, of a brother and a son…’ 

He tried to stop his head from spinning for just a second, gripping the bathroom counter and swallowing back vomit. Lovino looked at himself in the mirror, and in that moment, that was the clearest glance of himself that Lovino has ever gotten. Eyes and cheeks sunken in, his skin too pale and almost with a grotesque greenish-tint in this lighting. His dilated eyes looked so ugly and dead, with purple wrinkles of exhaustion surrounding them. His bones stuck out uncomfortably, making him look like a walking skeleton failing to even try to appear human. 

Lovino was repulsive.

With these dehumanising opinions of himself swirling in his mind, Lovino quickly grew even more hateful of himself. Hands shaking, the cheap lighting flickering ever so slightly whenever the wind blew, Lovino reached into his bag, laying out all of his drugs he had left to choose from. To think that he had ever allowed himself to become like this, to ruin Antonio and Feliciano’s lives with his recklessness, made Lovino believe how much worse he deserved than a cheap pill to end it all.

The room whirled again, Lovino almost toppling over as he assembled his lines and poured out his pills. He uncapped the vodka again, already depending on the counter to keep his body somewhat upright at all. He leaned over after his swig, sloppily forcing himself to inhale the many grams left of cocaine and whatever else his dealer had mixed in with the cheap powder. It burnt in his nose terribly, and he could barely feel the high at all even after at least a minute had gone by. ‘Fuck, I’m a mess,’ he thought through the fog, ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m so fucking disgusting.’

Eyes growing heavy and beginning to see black around his vision, Lovino picked up the pills he couldn’t remember the contents of and swallowed them down with the vodka, clamping his mouth shut with his hand to keep them from coming back up. It all hurt more than he expected; all of the mixing of his intoxicants making him so dizzyingly nauseous that Lovino feared his body would reject the overdose instead of giving in. He couldn’t tell if the room or his body was shaking or if it were all in his head, he felt hot and cold at the same time, body on fire with pain radiating from his nose, stomach, then chest. 

Lovino collapsed, knocking his bag and bottles off the counter as his body fought to live, gripping for leverage. What little was left of his conscious would be laughing at how the body still fought to live even after the mind has given up. Everything was happening too quickly now and it threw him into shock. Lovino trembled and convulsed on the floor and he could feel all of it, all of his feelings of fear and dread as death grabbed Lovino by his feet with his cold claws; he could see it, the blackness of the abyss he’d pushed himself into. “N-No, no, please!” he cried, unsure if even his words were comprehensible or actually being said at all as he clawed at the rug, “No, somebody help me! I’m sorry!”

The dying man cried and screamed but nobody heard a sound. He was left there, curled up on his side like a dead bug. The spur of the moment, emotional choices he had made up until these moments had finally caught up to him and now he was paying the ultimate price. Lovino could’ve stopped everything if he had taken a moment, a second, a breath to reflect instead of continuously plowing through his issues without ever seeking any help. His last breaths were ragged and pained and all Lovino could think of was his regret. “I’m… sorry… Antonio… I’m so sorry…” he’d try to breathe as his systems would soon collapse on themselves from failure. The taste of acids filling his mouth, staring blankly at nothing and seeing nothing. 

Antonio would come home, happy to see the living room and kitchen so clean. There were no messages from Lovino that he was going out so he assumed that his lover must still be home for once. Antonio had set the flowers he’d bought for him on the counter, calling sweetly for his boyfriend on his way to check the bedroom.

The Spaniard stopped in his tracks as he saw the bathroom door open, seeing barely the toe of Lovino’s collapsed body sticking out of the doorway. “Oh一Dios mío,” he gasped, heart stopping. He immediately grabbed his phone to ring for emergency services as he kneeled beside Lovino, frantically trying to find any signs of life.

Antonio sobbed, feeling so helpless as he held Lovino in his arms, his world crumbling around him and dying along with Lovino. “This can’t be happening, this can’t be real,” he whimpered, caressing his cold lover and trying to rub some soothing warm into him even though it never did any good. Every second felt too long, the minutes feeling like years before the ambulance would show up, the team rushing into his apartment. When they approached the bathroom and tried to pull Antonio away from Lovino, he screamed and fought, terrified to let him go. One of the woman pulled Antonio away from the room, sitting him down to try to calm him, but none of her words reached the defeated man who sat there, staring down at the floor and trembling with disbelief. “Why would he…” he mumbled mostly to himself, “We were going to be married… What happened? What did I do wrong? This… This is all my fault.” The woman tried to speak sense, tried to comfort Antonio, but it was useless in his state. 

A paramedic would exit the bathroom, announcing the death of the drug-abusing prostitute. Antonio already knew he was dead, but hearing it allowed had his body doubling over, vomiting onto the floor. That night, Antonio would be the one taken to the hospital in the ambulance while a different vehicle would come take Lovino to the morgue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's kept up with this story as the years went by and to anyone at all who has read all 20 chapters ^^


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